hypothetical situations and planned out dreams

 Nope, I don't have everything. But I'm happy I have you. 

On a sidenote, I regret making vague blog posts because after some time, I forget them. Keywords are useless when you've forgotten the whole damn story. 

 I hope it's not me being overconfident. I hope it's the swagger. I hope I've gotten better. Sana, sana. :)

I knew law school would change everything. I didn't think it would change this much, too soon, this quickly. 

I didn't think it would change me. 

when you're dreaming with a lawyer's heart

 I think the days where we could compare our lives to those of American Pie characters (1&2) are over. And that sucks. I sincerely forgot how old I was last night. I wanted to think I was still 19. Boo. 

PS. I'm older than Trip Mcnealy. BV!

"the word out this town can hardly breathe, the air is filled up with dust and dying dreams, attaching wings to all the sights, making sure these buildings fly, we've worked too hard to breathe without a fight"

Ok I just checked my aisis account and it's not active anymore. I have so many memories from college and high school and I just can't seem to let go of any. I am about to type how much I will miss all of this and how much I want to secretly cry like I did when my mom first left me at pre-school (I WILL MISS ALL OF THIS AND I WILL SECRETLY CRY LIKE I DID WHEN MY MOM FIRST LEFT ME AT PRE-SCHOOL). I just passed ateneo law and fucking hell, it's school all over again but this time, it's strictly business. They say college is a party and well, I'm guessing law school is a cave. It's just sad, really... How it just happened so quickly. All the drama about change and new things and doors can't compare to this one. It feels like a whole new book and not just a measly chapter. Parang tapos na eh. Andrama. No more room for errors, huge decisions, sacrifice, bloodsweattears. I don't like it one bit. I've lived the real world all my life but I think this part is the most different. All I hear in songs are "it's over it's over it's over it's over it's over" I know it's not, but I'm just in an overly dramatic and nostalgic mood and I'm sure I'm rambling and being incoherent.

My point is, I want to be 18 again.

Cross post test!

For music lovers (both legal and illegal :P) Songs up to a certain extent, can be like lovers (young, happy love to be more specific) I'm sure most of us have experienced "love at first listen" when it comes to certain songs. When you first hear that certain special song (like Gabrielle or I Hate To Be You for me), your heart might skip a beat, you might develop a crush and as cheesy as it may sound, you might eventually fall in love. You try to find out more about this song like the title and the band. You ask your friends, search the net, sing the melody, pretty much anything to find out more. You then download the song or you buy the record. Then you get to know the song more as you play it often. You get as infatuated as ever. It's like seeing a pretty girl, asking your friends her name (or in this facebook era, stalking her) and then eventually you muster the courage to ask for her number and try to be close to her. She may or may not reciprocate. She may or may not be your girlfriend. Here lies the difference.

The song you're in love with will always reciprocate.

The song doesn't even have to answer to your proposal. It's almost instantly yours. It's now your favorite song. You can listen to it anytime and as many times as you want. It's just there when you have problems; quietly sitting there and comforting you. It won't fight you back and it's not very high maintenance.

The relationship doesn't come without problems, though. Jealousy can arise especially when the song becomes uncontrollably popular (like.. Great Escape). You try to justify that you were first, that the others are much less deserving. It doesn't make that much sense, though, because if you really believe that the song is beautiful then why not share it with others? You can't disallow your girlfriend to hang out with your friends or manage to stop people from staring at her or admiring her. It's the same way with your favorite song.

The even sadder part is when the infatuation elapses or when the fire runs out. For some reason, you play your favorite song less often and when you listen to it, the effect isn't just the same. You eventually move on to a new favorite song. When you hear your ex-favorite song, you feel awkward because you know the lyrics and you know the tune but it doesn't have the same effect on you. There's a big possibility that you will forget, that you will merely stuff it in your "All Time Greats", your hall of fame of exes, a mere playlist.  You play them when you want to reminisce about the good times, you might never play them because of some repressed and depressing memory it's attached to and the worst of all - you simply outgrow them. But the song is just there waiting for you. It's not choosy. It's forgiving. It's always ready to be played. It's like a true friend.

The analogy can only go so far as you can't really marry a song hahahaha. But sometimes, songs don't get their due credit. They were there during our infinite moments and at one point or another marked a turning point in our lives. That is why 25 Minutes of Michael Learns to Rock or Lisa Loeb's Stay still manage to hit a nerve, no matter how lame/cute/totoy it may be.

This is probably the first time in a long time that there's this annoying feeling of uncertainty regarding where the hell I will be next year. I mean, ever since I was Prep, I was sure I'd get to the next level and stay in Ateneo for another year. I may have changed "schools" but it's still the same old campus. I'm not sure if Ateneo, along with its man-for-thers/MAGIS/extreme love for sports, has taught me well enough (but that's a story for another day) but it's been my second home for the past 15 years. Now that graduation is nearing, I honestly don't know 100% where I'll be or what I'll do. Will I continue with the Jesuit education in Ateneo Law (assuming of course that I pass)? Will I pass UP, potentially become a fratman and become "hardened" and more prepared? Will I screw all of that and try to make a career in HR, my guilty pleasure career path? 

There are many pros and cons with all the possible choices. Assuming I go to Ateneo Law, I will most probably be with friends, which is an important factor for me since I do better when I know I'm not alone. There's also a small chance of living away from home with these said friends. It's exciting because life without parental supervision is less exasperating but at the same time more challenging. The bad thing with going to Ateneo again is that it's the Jesuit education all over again but this time on steroids (I don't like being overly competitive with regard to education). The priests will be there, the masses, the overly perky student orgs, educational spoonfeeding, the snooty rich kids and worse, fraternities! My recent experience with a certain Ateneo fraternity made me see how hypocritical people (Ateneans at that!) can be. They offered a SURE method to pass the test (a.k.a. leakage) as long as you pledged to join them. I can't believe they had the balls to even say that they foster Ateneo values, have people in high ranking places, have the best networks and support system when they themselves are willing to take the spot of a more deserving applicant just so they can recruit. Fuck, they can't even be honest and fair. Ultimately, Ateneo Law is the safe, in-the-box, most Butch-like decision. Lia and some of my friends always tell me to step out of the box and deviate from my structured routines and principles. The problem lies in the timing of it all. I think it's too much of a risk to step out now at one of the most crucial moments of my life. It's like taking out Michael Jordan at the fourth quarter even when he's scoring a hundred points. It's the go-to-guy with his go-to-move. There's no point in sitting him the way there might be little motivation to suddenly change gears. I can go probably screw the frats and their blind idealistic ways. The risk, though, may be well-worth taking. It's confusing, yes.

On the other hand, if and when I go to UP, it will be something different, a total change of scenery. I will most probably still live away from home but this time at my Lola's house in Quezon City. I also have more freedom when I stay in BF so it's the same. The professors will probably care less (or not at all), the fraternities will be calling too (especially because my Dad and Lolo were fratmen), values education will in all likelihood be close to nothing. From what I see, UP assumes it is taking in street smart students who can go me-against-the world and bend some rules just to move forward. The school seems to not be so overly anal about rules and regulations unlike Ateneo. I probably won't have to bring my ID all the damn time, pay to get a sticker and go to an isolated area just to smoke. Also here, there are more different types of people to interact with and get to know, which is totally out of the box for me since I like staying close to my friends. UP is a longshot for me. I don't even know if I'll pass. My heart is less set on it. (My heart is not set for Ateneo also so what the hell)

Lastly, I will write about HR when I don't pass any of the two tests.

I've come to a very shitty standstill. I'd say 60-40. I've also come to the conclusion that after being so set about being a lawyer for 15 years, I have to decide whether that still holds true up to now. Honestly, I just want to own 10 Jollibees, live in a big condo in Makati and be a professional English commentator for Starcraft games. Is that too much to ask? hahahahaha

If ever you encounter an annoying, stupid, idiotic, freeloader groupmate, I suggest you own him by assigning him to be the compiler. (Sige na dude, ikaw na mag compile, kami naman gumawa nito, etc etc, print mo na rin okay? thanks bro) and then proceed to own his ass by sending your parts in this format : 

NOTE : BRO SORRY, MY CAPS LOCK IS STUCK SO I CAN ONLY WRITE THE PAPER ON UPPERCASE. I'M SURE YOU CAN FIND A WAY TO CONVERT UPPERCASE TO LOWERCASE. SIGE BRO. TULOG NA AKO. THANKS.

(PAPER SPANNING 5-7 PAGES LONG)

*there is a way, though, but you have to use excel. it is still a goddamn hassle to do so what the hell. owned. fail.